Dreams tucked away...

Sometimes it's best to wrap away your most special dream in your trusty old trunk and put a big padlock on it. And once you do that you get your first night of dreamless sleep in ages. Sleep still doesn't come easily, but when it does, you for the first time, do not see that familiar face that you did every single night, and what's even better is that you don't see the baby boy who pops in for a surprise visit every now and then. You do wonder however, the significance of the dreams that have been part of your nights for such a long time. Will they still come and haunt you? Blocking out thoughts has never been more difficult, but it is still achievable like everything else in the world. But will it be difficult at the other end also? For the sake of easing pain for others, one can only hope it is. But then a small part of this selfish heart also desires for a tiny shred of memory to remain in the other's heart.
What a crazy twisted thing this life is! And what surprises it bears! And the difference in desires. Some desire  wealth, some desire fame; a few wish for nothing but love and yes I do mean JUST love! All the money and fame in the world cannot make them let go of this desire. And when they do get it, sometimes like a fool they don't know how to take care of it and let go; at other times they grasp it with both hands and cherish it forever. These fools usually always have one thing in common - they always want reciprocation. They want the same amount of love in return if not more. They want their own love to be acknowledged and cherished. They want to hear things and they feel the need to be held quietly with no words spoken sometimes. They need to be loved! And when they don't get that, they get shattered, in thousands of tiny pieces which cannot be put together. But the strong ones put up a brave front, gather the shards, put them all together, taking the sharpest one and piercing it through the heart to remember what they had done and what they had stepped on to eventually find happiness and go on with their lives; finding peace and happiness in the moments of companionship and pushing back tears when alone, for those tears were never meant to roll down the cheeks when one has passed on that heartache to someone else in order to buy happiness.
So here I am today, gently wrapping away all the dreams and desires that I had cherished for so long; the desire to dance in the rain, to be dragged out when it snows; the dream of Bosphorus together and that of the city with the smoke signals. I wrapped away my dream of finding a five leaved clover and wish for just one thing that I wanted more than anything else; I gave up my dream of walking hand in hand down the beach quietly. I released the fireflies, free to attain their dreams and not be part of mine. And yes, I wrapped away many dreams I never dared to share; the one where I'm taken to the winding streets of Cambridge and I gape at the the architectural marvels and someone mischievously leaves me there till I realize that I'm alone and am in tears till I see a familiar face at a distance with that beautiful smile and I run to be held in a warm embrace, never to let go. I gave up on the dream of visiting Toledo with someone equally mesmerised by things that intrigue me. I shed no tears while I put away all my dreams and desires in the dusty old trunk. I did so with a heavy heart, tight-lipped but without a single tear. I tore away a piece of my heart and put it with those dreams to keep them warm but I didn't shed a single tear. I tore a piece of another's heart and put it inside to keep my heart company, but I did not shed a single tear. I felt a strange numbness spreading all over and felt grateful for it and I remembered how I had been praying for the last few weeks that may God take me down the road that turns out to be the best for me and my children in the long run. No need to shed tears. I took the safer route. No need to shed tears! Tears are for weaklings! No need to shed tears when you are at peace most of the time and have love to find solace in. No need to shed tears because no one asked you to burn that trunk; it's safely tucked away. There was a bonfire though; to burn all the art to be enjoyed together and the books to be read together and moments that were spent together, but let's just make room in the trunk for all those too. I might not dare to open that trunk but the other might someday.

Of dreams and desires

I realized two days back that I have never seen fireworks; at least in real life. I now wonder what it must be like. The deafening sound and the sight; like hundreds of stars have shattered into thousands of tiny pieces. It is these small, probably insignificant experiences that I want now. Not to say that I have had any great, significant experiences in my life. Never climbed a mountain, NO Sir! Never went bungee jumping, are you kidding me? Never jumped off a plane for what they call sky diving though I did dream of it once and it was beautiful. Never went cruising or jet skiing or snorkeling. This makes me seem like such a sorry little creature doesn't it? But I'm not. I have an excuse for every single one of these. Bungee Jumping? Oh I have Vertigo. Sky Diving? I'm afraid of heights. Snorkeling? I won't be able to breathe, in my head at least. Jet Skiing? What if my hands get tired and I'm not able to hold the rope like thing, whatever it is. Cruising? Umm, sea-sickness! Mountains? I'm no climber! See! It's an endless list of excuses and I'm very good at cooking up some.
I have been for para gliding once and went on a banana boat ride which in my world, was heroic. But that is the extent of my adventures and I did pat myself on my back after I accomplished these arduous tasks. Oh and I have also killed a teeny tiny baby gecko once with a wiper and then screamed my lungs out even though it should have been the gecko screaming. I have also had the not so delightful experience of riding a camel and well, umm I recited the first kalma loud and clear for all the onlookers or bystanders, whatever you want to call them, throughout the ride. What!!! I told you I was afraid of heights and in my defense, I was very young and the camel has a very unpleasant manner of attempting to stand and to sit for that matter.
Anyways, back to the experiences that I WANT to have. I want to be able to dance in the rain again, to explore the ruins of the Ottoman Empire, to join the large crowds on foot at one of the most important cities of the world that just one person was able to guess, to feel the adrenaline rush when I finally witness a heritage building being restored to its former glory, to be able to go on a very long drive with someone I can talk to without uttering a single word. I want to be able to finish reading all the books on my very long bucket list; I want to stay up all night gazing at the night sky lit up with the twinkle of the stars. I want to walk down the beach for hours, quietly, and to sit under the shade of a tree and read in peace. I want to travel the world and see it as I have imagined it to be and to admire the architecture of the eras long gone. I want to run like a little girl trying to catch butterflies and feel the tiny fire flies enclosed in my hand. I want to see the rainbow and walk through the clouds. I want to sing the whole day while sitting by the lake in Skurdu as I did two years back. I want to lose myself in colours and music and love. I want to write up a storm and leave lots of stories behind. And yes, I want to die knowing that I have done all of these insignificant little things in life because I wanted to. For I want to live my life!

When it snowed...

She had never seen snow before. She wasn't expecting to see it now. She was already living her dream, being where she was and with whom she was. Growing up, she never once thought of going to a place where it snowed. She liked warmer climates; they were so much more comfortable and she hated the cold anyways. But all of that changed. It's always about who you are doing things for and who you are doing things with. Things you had never wanted to do before, places you never desired to see, dreams you never dared to dream; all of that changes. But here she was, and it was beautiful! Like a fragment of the most beautiful piece of imagination, like a moment that one wishes for to freeze.
Sometimes she wondered why people wasted so much time over-planning special moments. Special moments are scattered all around us; in tender embraces, in silent companionship, in moonlit walks, in gentle whispers. And then sometimes you get this entire sphere of special moments altogether; like that day when she first saw snow. Watching the white flakes fall from the sky was not special; watching the white flakes fall from the sky with him WAS! He dragged her out excitedly to feel the powdery softness of the snowflakes. It was heaven. Tiny white specks on his hair brought out a tenderness and warmth in her that she had never felt before. But she needed a quiet moment, away from him; just a few minutes to absorb all that she was experiencing; the overwhelming feeling of being with him, the butterflies when he wanted to see the look of wonderment on her face, the gratitude, the sadness, the reality. She looked at him and he understood. He let go of her hand and she quietly walked away, her head bent low, hands in her pockets. She went further away from him till she could barely make out his silhouette; drew in her breath and turned around. As she reached closer to where she had been with him, she saw him standing, looking at her, waiting quietly for her to return; as he always did and always will. Her face lit up, she ran to him, losing herself in the warm embrace that said more than he had ever said to her in words. She felt loved, secure, cared for. She always complained that he didn't express what he felt. She didn't need those words anymore. His still being there said everything. They walked in the snow hand in hand, never to let go of each other or that moment again.

This piece of writing is a fragment of the writer's imagination and and is purely fictional. Resemblance to anyone would be purely coincidental.

My Ordinary Life!

I am no ordinary woman; I am even more ordinary than the ordinary woman! While she would like to shop for designer lawns and try out every new, hip restaurant in town; I would spend that same time wrapping a tatty old table's legs in rope and decoupaging it to turn it into a coffee table. I live a somewhat simple life or so I would like to believe, and I'm striving to make it even more simpler. I have seen the highs and lows as we all have, and I know there are many more to come. During the lowest point in my life I am constantly reminded of all the beauty and goodness that I am surrounded with. The plants that I tend to, the brief period in the morning when I water them; the amazing works of writing and art that people prolifically produce and I'm able to enjoy; the feathered visitors that come regularly to take a dip in the little pond out there in the balcony, the special moments with my children, the most amazing line of work that I am in, the wonderful people I'm surrounded with, the talent that inspires me, the steaming cup of tea every morning that Mushtaq the tea boy makes, the silence of the night, my quiet time, the crickets chirping outside, a few beautiful memories, my plant stake windmills whizzing away in the breeze, the delectable flavours that my taste buds are often enticed with, the sound of the bamboo wind chimes, the fragrance of Jasmine, the sight of my office every morning and how it excites me when I'm just a few minutes away; the list is endless.
I spend my mornings watching the sunrise and pampering my plants; my day working on something that gives me more pleasure than any other work could have, and my evenings enjoying the little anecdotes that my children come up with. Nights are another story though. That is my time that I love to spend reading or doodling on my notepad while trying to figure out what I want to work on more, a graphic fact-based fiction piece on parenting or one on a group of patriotic, optimistic, courageous youngsters. So I scribble and I doodle and I write and then doodle some more. Somehow the crude sketches always turn out better in my head than on paper. Then the writing bit - I don't really write much, I type; so I doodle on the notepad, then scribble two lines, then feel overly exhausted by the strenuous task of scribbling those two lines and then just take the easy way out and type away on my laptop that really truly needs a break. If I think about it, I don't do much apart from what I have mentioned above. My modes of entertainment? Cinema, theatre, books, art, friends and a little music. It just makes me realize how limited my world is and how similar all my interests are. I would love to be a more diversified kind of a person but I'm just not. But you know what, I'm satisfied with my ordinary life because I get to do what I truly want and enjoy. So this one is to my ordinary yet content life :)