I'm on the roll these days, writing away like someone whose life depends on it, and it does!Under the veil of composure I can sense the dark shadows of insanity and loss creeping towards me. I try to buy time, I look the other way, I lose myself in laughter, yet I can hear its menacing hiss.
Laughter comes easily to me. What is it but merely a sound!It is so easy to produce that sound. I came across a strange laughter a year back and for some odd reason I did not find it contagious. It was high-pitched, hearty, constant, as if someone had promised a reward at the end of it. But I wondered. It was so similar to my own laughter. High, hollow! I laugh! I laugh all I want! I laugh at the silly jokes cracked and I laugh to drown the voice inside my head. I laugh to forget and I laugh to live. But the dark shadows keep coming closer and closer.
And then the desire to have a dreamless night. Did I just deserve those first few nights of sleep? Why are the dreams back? Why are they interwoven with nightmares? Last night I wondered if I had been cursed. Why is it that I have been waking up at 3:36 am every night for so many days? Why not 4:00 am or 6:00 am? Is there a significance of this hour that I don't know of? What time would it be there? Is that the time when I come alive in another mind? Is this when Bosphorus is imagined together? Why that particular hour? Nightmares kept me up most of the night. I'm content with life or whatever is left of it. But that contentment comes with a price. A very heavy price! But then everything does! I prayed last night after the first nightmare that I don't feel afraid. but the less afraid I was, the more nightmares there were. Is it a test? Why are some lives nothing but a test?
There was a dream last night. It was dark. It was difficult. But I had someone to hold onto. And we both saved each other from disappearing into nothingness and held hands till the end. What is the significance of that dream? I fail to understand. I don't need a saviour. I don't need anything to hold onto. I don't think much during the day. My mind is occupied with other things: work to do, friends to meet, books to read. I chose not to leave any slots in my mind for things of the past. Why then would the recurring dreams not leave me alone? I wasn't the only one! I wasn't important! I was never important! Why am I cursed then? I chose the easier path. I chose it out of the sheer need of being given the feeling that I exist. I chose it out of fear of loss. I chose it because it was my right to do so. I chose it to keep the demons at bay. I chose it because there was no other way.I chose it because of things I heard, and because of things I did not hear. I chose it because, well, just because...And I'm happy! I'm happy as I have never been happy before. I wake up telling myself I'm happy and I go to bed telling myself the same. And yes, at times I AM happy, more than I deserved perhaps. But happiness also comes at a price. What doesn't? So I move on and close the doors even tighter, never to open them again. Nothing will make me open them again, absolutely nothing! I make my way through each day, determined not to give up, losing myself in words, colours, laughter. And i know I will soon be forgotten, replaced by another, but it's quite alright. I wish I could too. Or perhaps I don't. My ties with everything beautiful in the past are very strong, stronger than most people. And to forget the most beautiful, wonderful thing in my past would be my loss. I might not have moments or word or promises to look back upon, but I share the mind that has the same dreams and I share the heart that sings the same song. The song of heaven! So I continue to let it live on in my mind and in my heart, singing the melodious yet melancholic song along with another, for as long as I live!
Laughter comes easily to me. What is it but merely a sound!It is so easy to produce that sound. I came across a strange laughter a year back and for some odd reason I did not find it contagious. It was high-pitched, hearty, constant, as if someone had promised a reward at the end of it. But I wondered. It was so similar to my own laughter. High, hollow! I laugh! I laugh all I want! I laugh at the silly jokes cracked and I laugh to drown the voice inside my head. I laugh to forget and I laugh to live. But the dark shadows keep coming closer and closer.
And then the desire to have a dreamless night. Did I just deserve those first few nights of sleep? Why are the dreams back? Why are they interwoven with nightmares? Last night I wondered if I had been cursed. Why is it that I have been waking up at 3:36 am every night for so many days? Why not 4:00 am or 6:00 am? Is there a significance of this hour that I don't know of? What time would it be there? Is that the time when I come alive in another mind? Is this when Bosphorus is imagined together? Why that particular hour? Nightmares kept me up most of the night. I'm content with life or whatever is left of it. But that contentment comes with a price. A very heavy price! But then everything does! I prayed last night after the first nightmare that I don't feel afraid. but the less afraid I was, the more nightmares there were. Is it a test? Why are some lives nothing but a test?
There was a dream last night. It was dark. It was difficult. But I had someone to hold onto. And we both saved each other from disappearing into nothingness and held hands till the end. What is the significance of that dream? I fail to understand. I don't need a saviour. I don't need anything to hold onto. I don't think much during the day. My mind is occupied with other things: work to do, friends to meet, books to read. I chose not to leave any slots in my mind for things of the past. Why then would the recurring dreams not leave me alone? I wasn't the only one! I wasn't important! I was never important! Why am I cursed then? I chose the easier path. I chose it out of the sheer need of being given the feeling that I exist. I chose it out of fear of loss. I chose it because it was my right to do so. I chose it to keep the demons at bay. I chose it because there was no other way.I chose it because of things I heard, and because of things I did not hear. I chose it because, well, just because...And I'm happy! I'm happy as I have never been happy before. I wake up telling myself I'm happy and I go to bed telling myself the same. And yes, at times I AM happy, more than I deserved perhaps. But happiness also comes at a price. What doesn't? So I move on and close the doors even tighter, never to open them again. Nothing will make me open them again, absolutely nothing! I make my way through each day, determined not to give up, losing myself in words, colours, laughter. And i know I will soon be forgotten, replaced by another, but it's quite alright. I wish I could too. Or perhaps I don't. My ties with everything beautiful in the past are very strong, stronger than most people. And to forget the most beautiful, wonderful thing in my past would be my loss. I might not have moments or word or promises to look back upon, but I share the mind that has the same dreams and I share the heart that sings the same song. The song of heaven! So I continue to let it live on in my mind and in my heart, singing the melodious yet melancholic song along with another, for as long as I live!
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