Goodbyes...

       Goodbyes are always difficult. We all have experienced so many of them and we all have different ways of dealing with them. There are times when I'm able to hold back my emotions, manage to say goodbye with some dignity and have a smallish breakdown later or not. Often I can pull myself together, tell myself this is how God intended it to be and learn to live with it. But sometimes I give in to the grief.
     So many of our loved ones pass away and we have no choice but to let them go. We mourn, we grieve but we know that there is nothing we can do, so we learn to live with it. The feeling of loss starts to fade away with time but deep down a part of us still holds on to the memories. I unfortunately have lost a lot of close family members but out of all of them there were three deaths that took away a little something from me. The most difficult was saying goodbye to my father. I was his baby, his star! I didn't want to let go of him. I would writhe in pain and long for him to come back, in spite of knowing it was not possible. Losing a parent brought agony I had never experienced before. His death brought an insecurity that has stayed with me for the last ten years.
      The person I'm the closest to is my brother. I could tell him I killed someone and he wouldn't bat an eyelash. There is nothing we wouldn't talk about and there are no secrets between us. He has been like my third child all these years. The day he left for England a couple of years back, I didn't shed a tear the whole day because I thought I was strong. Of course after we said our goodbyes at the airport and I came and sat in the car, I broke down; so much so that I flooded the city and people had to swim back to their houses. It took me a good eight months or so to finally accept that he's not living a block away anymore. All those months, every time the door bell rang, I wished it was him. After eight months he gave us a surprise visit. It was around 10 o'clock in the morning; the bell rang, I opened the door and there he was, my baby brother. Of course I screamed and howled and hugged him so tight he couldn't breathe. Over the years, I have had to see him off several times and each time it is just as painful as the first time. He's my brother, my baby, my friend, my confidant and letting him go every time is very difficult.
      But sometimes you have to say goodbye to people whom you might not be related to; a dear friend perhaps. Someone who understands you, has spent hours talking to you or enjoyed the same things as you did. A close friend whom you found so trustworthy that you could be your true self, good or bad, it wouldn't matter, because you know that your friend won't judge you. How do you say goodbye? How do you deal with it? What do you do when you have to let go of people you love? How do you find the strength to bid farewell? It hurts; it's very painful, some more than others. Every time you think that this is the most difficult goodbye you have experienced, life throws an even more agonizing one your way. You feel someone has clenched your heart so tight that you can't breathe; the thought of never seeing that loved one again... the anguish, the sense of loss, the fact that you are pining for them, nothing makes a difference. You know that as cruel as it sounds, life goes on and it does! But a little part of you dies as you part ways each time till one day when you are separated from someone you love, you just die inside, all of you, mind, body and soul and you know you should move on in spite of that but you can't, you just can't... and you know that you will never be the same person anymore...