Awakening

Stay still my wild heart!
For the song needs the quiet,
Stay still or lest the fear,
The strings may get entangled.

Go forth and embrace,
What life has brought your way,
The flimsy veils of disguise,
That would make desire sway.

So what if they would judge,
Your moments would still be yours,
Trust him, and he shall,
Guide you to untravelled shores.

Go, sit under the shade,
Of devotion once unknown,
Not many have the courage,
So fond this heart has grown.

The flecks of bronze and gold,
In eyes that touch my soul,
May God be the witness,
Of tales yet to be told.

What a wonder it is how we are so unaware of the different shades of our own personality - vicious, venomous, forlorn, gloomy, dark, pretentious, and then gentle, so full of love and affection, taking us by surprise at times. It is still a blend of a strange sadness and delightful joy, emotions not entirely unfamiliar but this time with a certainty that comes with unintentional and continuous display of devotion and unsaid promises. Many promises in the past were just that, hollow, without substance. Many promises I made to myself, now hazy and frazzled. Promises are nothing, just words that we might think we would be able to live up to, ignoring the fact that the being up there might have other plans for us. What more can one ask for than Him to decide for you what is best. I do wish I could foretell the future, but I can't. So I let Him guide me to a course that He knows is already part of my future for He can foretell! He created it!

Today I'm inspired to write for something that never before had the music in me flowing. I wrote futile stories and poems that were my truth as I saw them, but perhaps they weren't. Moments that froze in my memory were never mine to begin with. Songs that my heart danced to were mere fragments of my imagination. Unsaid words were never spoken because they never existed. Souls parted ways because they did not belong together. What a strange puzzle the Creator has designed, and for so many of us, for thousands of years, witnessing hundreds of thousands of sunsets. And we spend our lives trying to untangle ourselves from these intricacies? Such fools! It is far easier to live in the moment than trying to tailor the future which is not ours to begin with. And when we do, the enchanting music takes us to a world where moments stand still, the memories of which play a smile on the face. The longing to be part of that world increases and the journey continues...

Windows to the Soul

I sometimes wonder why I didn’t pay attention to those clichéd sayings that we tend to come across so often. People say eyes are the windows to the soul; they might be. But the truth is that sometimes you see a reflection of what you feel, in the eyes of another. The damp glimmer that I might have in my eyes is understood and the tears cherished, yes, it’s reflected in another pair of eyes. The silent woes waiting to be told need not be said to be heard anymore for they are intertwined with the strings of the heart of another. The strong desire to hear the enchanting sounds once the dark befalls half the planet, along with another, may not go unnoticed anymore for far across there is another soul quietly absorbing the beauty of the night and gazing inside his soul just like me.

What a strange place this is, silent, soothing, comforting yet the memory of rare moments spent together threaded beautifully like a tapestry, a piece of art. Small joys and the hope of many more memories to make together, contentment at where you are, what you are and what life you carve out for yourself; what are they but signs of a joyous life.

Night arrives again, bringing with itself a familiarity; the humdrum of the night having a soothing effect on nerves. How beautiful is still of the night and how mediocre the hustle and bustle of the day at times. I close my eyes and the fuzzy memory lurking behind the demands of the day emerges in its full glory once again, playing a content smile on my face, my heart filled with satisfaction at being able to bring it to life whenever I want. Staircases are nothing but dull steps of concrete to many, but a sight frozen in those moments on the first few steps a long time ago can make it worth a lifetime; the day you started your life! So I give up and with dampness threatening to escape from the corners of my eyes, decide that yes, I can dedicate one more night to the memory, and another night, and another, and yet another, till the time comes for life and me to part ways….

A Soul Like My Own

The night is quiet yet so full of signs of life, of being, of strange elements that surround us as we breathe on. I can just hear the wind though; no crickets chirping, no children playing night cricket matches, not even the occasional car honking. If I close my eyes for a few minutes like I just did, I can hear my thoughts very clearly. So many of them, most of them with a question mark! So I let myself be. I live in the moment, savouring it, or at least I try. I revel in the quiet that the night brings. I try to be as grateful as I can be for the one who brought light in my life when all I could see around me were dark clouds. And I bask in the memories of rare moments that make me feel more alive than it ever seemed possible. I am scared to open my eyes for the fear of losing the beautifully embedded moments behind the veils of my eyes - my tears treated like precious gems, collected lovingly in the palms of a soul so like my own; my whispers that once were unheard, now tuned into a melodious song by a heart throbbing close to my own; my hair brushed away gently from my face with the grace of silent breeze. 734 days of my life, still with no clear path in sight, yet strolling down under the shade of lush green trees taking me to a land I am not familiar with, yet I can hear faint music coming from a faraway place that awaits me with open arms.

But then there is utter confusion; I wonder what will become of the trail that is a straight path down to the meadows fragrant with dainty blooms. I was headed there, leaving the uncertainty behind; I knew the sun shone brighter there, the lake awaits me so I can sit beside it soaking my feet in the cool water. But it all seems so distant now. The Pied Piper plays a tune that captures my heart as it always has. I look back one last time at the meadow that spreads its arms urging me to stay on. I feel a sharp stab in my heart, guilt emerging at the abandonment. I cannot possibly abandon what has given me shelter and solace. I look longingly at the shadow of the faraway place, my heart now singing the same melody that the Pied Piper played. And then it comes to me! I rip a piece of my heart, embellish it with the best of what I had in me and bury it under the shade of a tree as my everlasting love for the meadow, planting my affection, gratitude and burying my special song that would continue to enchant for many years to come. I gather what is left of me and take the path unknown, following the music, leaving behind everything that I had, my heart now ripped to pieces, my soul battered and bruised, my pride wounded beyond repair, but I carry on with my journey in the hope of capturing the music with my love, not knowing that mine are not the only two feet taking steps to that land..... 

The Magical Mornings

I close my eyes and concentrate on the most melodious sounds in the world - birds chirping in the trees and the tinkle of the bell of an occasional bicycle passing by.

I open my eyes, get up and walk slowly to my desk facing the windows and gaze outside. The trees have started to show signs of the first set of greens, their branches spread out welcoming the feathered guests to perch on them, nest on them. I rest my chin on the palm of one hand and ponder! What is life all about? What a miracle it is! How intriguing that we are able to feel so many emotions in the short span of 24 hours every single day! And how fortunate that we are able to experience our tomorrows, so many of them! "Not everyone gets a tomorrow!"

My chain of thought is broken by the loud noise that 'Logan' the parakeet makes. What is it with this bird? I try to concentrate once again on what I was trying to fathom, trying to put thoughts together, feeling a mixed sense of sadness and happiness, and above all, enjoying the solitude.
I hum along with my happy-go-to-song Joe Dassin's Champs Elysees.
Joe dassin les champs elysees MP3 Download - abmp3.com
I am transported back to the little cafe on Orchard Road, Singapore, where I spent hours till late night, writing, blogging away, trying to express what whirlwind my mind was, trying to find myself.

I switch places again, this time I settle myself on the world's most comfortable couch, one that I have had for the last 18 years. I am a little restless this morning although there is just so much that I am able to accomplish during these few precious hours that are mine. I do what Brian Tracy tells me to do. Early morning hours are the best time to work on projects that demand uninterrupted attention, so just grab a glass of water and start! That is exactly what I do, as tempted as I am to have my leisurely breakfast before I start, I listen to these gurus. And in any case, I am a creature of habit; go out enjoy the morning breeze, check if there any new leaves or buds in any of the plants, come back to my study and start on a work or personal project, have breakfast while reading, and once the kids wake up, head out for the morning show at the cinema. It is almost like a ritual. You move me one inch from my routine especially on a Sunday, and I will not be such a happy, chirpy person.

This is what makes my mornings magical; the cool breeze caressing my face, the hyperactive Logan going absolutely berserk, the weaver bird refusing to leave the nest upon my arrival, the carefully built nest that it has built on my bougainvillea, 'Captain' the one-legged crow that lives outside the kitchen balcony on a tree and comes for food, my children waking up and heading out straight from their rooms to first look for their mom, early morning messages from my SEALA family, the peace and quiet (minus crazy Logan) that the morning brings with it, and most of all the predictability; what a glorious time of the day!

The Overrated New Year, Every Year

Another new year, promises to self that will not be kept, resolutions that will not be fulfilled, diet plans that will not be followed, and regimes that will cease with the end of the first week. Year after year, people all across the world unite at some strange level when it comes to New Year. Regardless of which continent, country or religion they might belong to, they take vows to lead better, healthier, more honest, organized, meaningful lives. What's more, they even believe that they will be able to get past the first month continuing on with all the resolutions. At the risk of receiving a boatload of criticism for this particular post, I would like to defy convention this year! I would go against the usual norm and resist making any resolutions; no promises to myself to workout more, be happier, work towards achieving my goals with more vigour this year, be a better mom, better daughter, sister, friend, a better person. No more promises to mark all 101 things off my master checklist, no more silent vows to not let fears and inhibitions hold me back, or to come off as a pillar of strength. 

And you know why? Because I'm just so happy to have been alive and healthy in 2013 and all the years before that. I'm happy to have been able to pull through 2013 and come out as a victor. I'm content with what I have, my children, my family and friends, my absolutely wonderful, challenging, motivating work, and for all the beautiful moments that 2013 was witness to, the smiles, the laughter, the experiences. And hopefully I will wake up tomorrow to see the sunrise of another New Year and all that it will bring with it. Yes, I confess to a few weak moments today which will probably linger on tonight; moments that are laced with an ounce of sadness, a pinch of disappointment, and even a little loneliness that creeps in. But I'll let you in a little secret; all of that is overshadowed by hope, countless blessings and love. After a long, tiring yet satisfying day at work, when I return home and my 12-year old son rushes to get me a glass of water before I have even entered my room, and when he heats the food for me so that I can have dinner right away, I feel surrounded by love that nothing else can measure up to. When my daughter brings me a throw so that I can stay warm while watching a movie with them both, and they both cuddle up with me, I feel all my sorrows wash away. When I am told with tenderness that my tears are precious and the only time I should let them flow is when my daughter gets married and leaves home, I feel cherished. When my mom, my dear mom sends tiny boxes of daal sabzi well aware that I crave it and might not get the time to cook something that I like, instead preparing meals that the children prefer, I pray for her to live a long healthy life for who else would care for me the way she does. The birds outside, the sunshine, the tangy flavourful oranges in the fruit bowl, the white drapes in my room, the sound of the wind, the lush green trees; I'm surrounded with beauty that helps the pain subside. I try not to think of all the hurt and tears and stay thankful for the strength that was bestowed upon me. I don't want to start afresh this New Year. I have already started afresh! The mixed emotions, the sadness, a few occasional complaints are nothing but a mere proof of the fact that I am after all only human. So defying all norms, I conclude by saying that I have absolutely no resolutions this year; I will take each day as it comes as I have been doing for the past year and a half and will bask in the smug satisfaction of the liberating feeling that it brings with it.  

And miles to go before I sleep...

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
                                     
                                          - Robert Frost

I strive to lead a simple life. Could it be time that has transformed me? Fewer belongings, simpler meals and small joys. Yet these are the parts of my life that I can control. What about the endless twists and turns, intricacies, complexities? And the hurdles and disappointments?
It is a long journey, this life. And it is without a doubt ruthless and merciless. I take the time out to smell the flowers, hear the birds chirping, form different shapes of the clouds in my head when I gaze at the sky. I find the time for a few quiet moments every day, and to play with dust motes that seem to continue their steady pace in the light streaming through the window. I manage to pen my thoughts sometimes, but so many more create a havoc in my mind, unable to find an outlet. And they are growing in numbers, multiplying at an unimaginable rate, so many words just trapped inside. So much that the poor heart has endured and continues to quietly absorb. So many dark thoughts, whirling, twirling, so mystical like the derwaishes. A constant tussle between happiness and dissatisfaction. Betrayals, disappointments, shortcomings, now transformed into demons, their giant clutches reaching for me, their snarling faces keeping me awake night after night.
The stubborn streak in me forces me to move forward relentlessly, keeping a brave front; but the tentacles of fate continue to try and slow me down. I paint on a mask, an eerie picture of a smile, and must keep this facade. I want to stop, take a breather, and feel the blissful brush of love and endless moments of happiness. I sometimes find it in unexpected places, tempted to stop for a while, bask in it; but the obligations keep me from doing so. The promises that I made, I must keep them. I must wait for the few moments of joy that might or might not come my way. I must wait. I wish I could have them right now, just the ones I truly want, without any conditions. As much as I feel tired and wish for the end, the fear that the wish might actually come true anytime soon and the end is near, remains. I feel the need to slow down and rest....
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

When Weaknesses become Strengths!

Blocking out sounds, voices and visions; snubbing feelings, desires, fears and inhibitions. Is this truly what makes one strong? But what do you do when everyone expects you to be strong to the extent of almost being heartless? What do you do when you are not allowed to break down or burn out? What do you do when it is you who just would not allow yourself to give in or give up? These are questions that have remained unanswered for a long time; or have I blocked the answers out too?
Life brings with it so many 'ifs' and 'buts' and 'don'ts', making the journey even more precarious than it is supposed to be. It was never supposed to be so difficult. It was never intended so. And if we take a moment out to look around, not necessarily at those less blessed than us as is the saying, "when you begin to feel ungrateful, think of those less fortunate than yourself"; but just at the little joys of life that WE are blessed with, the hurtful questions start to fizzle out.
C'est la vie! That's Life! Or did I start writing this blog because I wanted to say 'That's life for ME'? Good or bad, joyous or depressing, difficult or blissful; yes, that's life for me.
214 words, and I feel better already. What makes me feel blessed you ask? For starters, just the fact that I am alive (and kicking) is more than enough for me. I am able to wake up each morning to witness the sunrise, and to feel the warmth of  a cuddle and a cherubic smile of my son, to start my day with the melodious voice of a girl who was almost like a blob at birth. I wake up to the loud chirping of the parakeets in the house and the cooing of the cuckoo outside. The cool breeze every morning that caresses my skin, the pleasure I get out of making breakfast in a clean, gleaming kitchen, often half an hour of quiet time before the morning rush begins, the soothing silence, the day ahead, the unsaid words, the drive, the determination; what more can one want out of a day? And then friends, my absolutely wonderful friends! The early morning message from one of my best friends everyday, the strong support of my other best friend and her faith in me that I will not let anything hamper my journey, the blind faith that my closest friend and colleague has in me and his belief that nothing can dampen my spirits for long, the fact that I have so many best friends, not close friends but BEST friends, as childish as it may sound.
My mind that was in whirlwind, is still a little blurry, but it is at peace. My life may not be perfect but I have plenty of perfect moments. I might not be able to tackle all the problems in the best possible manner but I have His support and I will always have it no matter what. I don't really remember what my dreams were like but I do know that what I am trying to achieve will fulfill dreams of many others. Right at this moment I feel I have everything - my children, my family, my friends, and a clear path. And I have God!